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Left and Forsaken September 6, 2013

Posted by thesociallyawkwardchristian in Christianity.
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It’s been quite a past few weeks in my life. 

I am now in the early stages of recovering from major knee surgery. I also have taken on massive amounts of debt in order to pursue my dream/calling by enrolling as a graduate student at Fuller Theological Seminary. Whoa. 

I am both excited and overwhelmed. Thrilled and terrified. 

As if those events are not emotional enough, I’ve had a hard couple of weeks relationally. About two months ago, I became close and emotionally attached to someone. We had great, daily, day-long conversations. We would argue sometimes because we were different, but I cared for her and I think it’s safe to say that she cared for me. 

This week, she told me she thought it was best that we parted ways. The emotions were too heavy, I guess. 

The problem with that is that I have never been good with people. I usually don’t like them and they often feel the same about me. So, it’s hard to meet someone who I both like and am liked by, only to have them walk away because of the heaviness of emotions, even if it might be “unhealthy” to continue the relationship. 

This is compounded by some unpopular posts I’ve made in a online community I’m apart of. Originally, I was happy to be apart of that community because I felt loved and safe to share who I really am. The honeymoon period has worn off for me, I guess, because I rarely feel loved or safe there anymore. When you are a jerk, people care less about you being authentic and more about you not being such a jerk, it seems. I don’t take criticism or rebukes very well, unless it’s from people who have known me for a long time and proven that even my nastiest side won’t scare them away. When I am criticized by people who I haven’t known very long, or who I feel don’t know me very well, I lash out. I become cynical and say things with the intent to retaliate and cause pain as I have been caused pain. When I see other’s happy and loved I get jealous and angry and try to rain on people’s parades. Part of me says that I’m just speaking truth that they can’t see because they are wearing rose colored glasses (and I still think this is partly true), but when I see the pain I’ve caused, it’s too late to repair the damage. People flee from me like they flee from New Orleans during a hurricane. And I can’t blame them. Even when I’m offered forgiveness, it’s clear that the dynamics of the relationship have changed. Is there truly a way to get that back? Do I even want it back? Or is there a perverse part of me that would rather be lonely and hurting as long as it means that I am right?

It’s no secret that I’m awkward. Just look at the title of the blog. I’m starting to wonder if the cause of my lack of friends and successful relationships goes deeper than simple awkwardness though. 

I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do.

My only option is to cast my cares upon Him, for He cares about me. And he cares for you too. Let’s not forget that. He cares for us. He will never leave us or forsake us. Sometimes it feels too little. But, if we knew the reality of his love for us, we would be overwhelmed with the depths of his friendship…and the fact that he likes us as people. That’s enough for me. 

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Comments»

1. thebridgechicago - September 6, 2013

Thanks for this honest post. You aren’t alone in this, and I’m really sorry you’ve been going through all this, especially regarding your relationship/online community. I know it’s really brutal to go through isolation, but it’s a great encouragement to me to see you keep going in the midst of struggles.
-Peter from the Bridge

2. Holly - September 9, 2013

Thank you for sharing– its not always easy to be open, authentic and genuine especially when you feel like it won’t be accepted. I understand your frustration with the online community stuff. I’ve often looked at people and gotten ridiculously jealous, which is why I’ve stepped away from some of them. I have to remind myself though, that the picture people paint on social media is not always accurate. We present our best selves– whether it be via picture, status, posts, etc. I guess I’ve got a lot more to say about all that, but it would be “too” honest,or “too” authentic for some people’s liking.

3. itsmrbonchapeau - January 14, 2014

Hi, just like the other commenters, I want to thank you for sharing. Pain can go pretty deep, right? I agree that turning to God in our pain is a great way to go. God’s love for us is indeed enormous and revolutionises us the more we understand and accept it.

I would like to ask you a question: do you think that maybe God intends us to work through difficult times with people around us? Community, albeit made up of imperfect people, can be a good context for healing. Perhaps in your situation it might be good though to seek out just one or two individuals you trust a lot and talk about what you’re going through.

4. vee - February 28, 2014

Thank you for sharing this post, very brave and honest of you! We need Christians like this!

I, myself am going through such a predicament. However, for me, I was hurt and then subsequently hurt others. I realised that my own jealousy, anger, self esteem issues (which were offshoots of fear about my own inadequacies) could not be fixed by having more friends or monitoring what I said, only God could heal me. So everyone left me, which was healthy for them and me. And, though its tough, I have never felt more stable, happier and at peace with myself. Its great to finally be rooted in him, rather than people! I know that God will eventually bring friends that love me, but he needs to take care of me first, so that I don’t hurt myself and others.

I see you ruminating over what causes your lack of friends, and I feel that maybe it might be better to leave the pieces on the floor, sweep them up, push them to God and let him give you enlightenment. Thats what he did/is doing for me. Also, like you I was completly attached to people, and God has been showing me that that I need to be attached to him, connected to others.

I really hope this helped, sorry for the essay!
Much love.


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