Confessions of a Socially Awkward Christian

In Pursuit of Calling May 13, 2014

I’m currently in a hotel room in Houston, Texas taking some classes at the Fuller Theological Seminary campus here. I drove in on Sunday, but the journey goes back much farther than that. On the drive here, I passed through a little Louisiana town in the middle of nowhere called Eunice. That’s where the story really begins. I was 15 then, at a youth camp with Roseland Park Baptist Church. There, we were supposed to go into the community and provide “backyard Bible camps” for the children on the area. I was supposed to be on one team going to one area, but was moved to another team at the last minute. I remember being pretty upset about this because there was a cute girl on the team I was originally on. But, lo and behold I got over it and was able to lead two Bible studies to two different groups of kids who were separated because of the vast differences in age (the youngest being 3, the oldest being 20). I distinctly remember the youngest, a girl named Christine, who wore a pink cotton dress and cowboy boots every day. What would happen is, I would lead the Bible study, then another person would come in and ask for responses for salvation to the lesson I taught while I went and did something else. When all was said and done, the adult leader of the group came and told me that 7 of the 20 kids accepted Christ, including the youngest (Christine) and the oldest. A few minutes later Christine came up to me and brought me a cup of kool-aid and gave me a hug. I went back to the dorm we were staying and laid on my bed and cried. Finally, I told God, “If this is what you want me to do, I’ll do it.” It was there I surrendered to my calling. 

15 years later, I was on the road to Houston, Texas on the way to a prestigious seminary still in pursuit of that same calling. As I passed through Eunice, the memories flooded my mind. There have been times when I no longer believed in that calling. I have family members and loved ones who also gave up their belief and support in that calling. It’s taking much longer to come to fruition than any of us thought it would, me most of all. Even as I was driving, I was wondering if this was nothing but a waste of time and money. I’ll be in massive debt due to pursuing this calling by going to seminary. Then I passed Eunice. And I remembered. I remembered a little girl in a pink dress with cowboy boots. I remember the taste of the kool-aid and the hug she gave me. I realize that that little girl probably graduated high school this year. I wonder if she has maintained her relationship with Christ, and I wonder if she does, does she think the guy that came to the back yard Bible school and taught her about Jesus and the Armor of God. 

I will never know. But, I do know that if she does, I will pursue this calling to the ends of the earth and to the end of time. Because she and others who I may be so lucky as to help in some way, are worth it all. 

Thoughts on World Vision and Christian and Biblical Movies March 24, 2014

Every now and then Christians on the Internet get a little fired up. Today was one of those days. Two topics, one important and one more trivial, were the cause of the ruckus today. 

First, it was the announcement from orphan relief organization World Vision that stated they would now be hiring openly gay Christians who are in openly gay marriages. Depending on which side of the theological aisle you are on, this was cause for great celebration or massive disappointment. Having usually taken my seat squarely in the center aisle, I have some thoughts on this. I understand World Vision President Rich Stearns reasoning for this. In an interview with Christianity Today, he claimed that this was not about “compromise” but “unity.” I get that. Several churches (most of them mainline protestant) have begun accepting, marrying, and even ordaining gay people in their denominations. To allow people in those denominations to be able to be employed in their organization, this was a necessary step. Stearns also stated that he believes it is up to churches to figure out things like doctrine and theology and parachurch organizations to just mobilize those churches for mission. In essence, World Vision is not making a statement on if homosexuality is a sin or not. They are saying if you are apart of a church who does not think it is sin, however, you are welcome to partner with them and their mission. I think this is wise. You can be either for or against homosexuality and still believe that orphans deserve to be fed and taken care of. Moreover, this will create dialogue between World Vision employees who are on both sides of the issue. That is, if those that believe homosexuality is a sin do not withdraw their support from World Vision. Unfortunately, I’m afraid that will happen. Within minutes of the World Vision announcement, Russell Moore, president of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission blogged his disappointment with the decision. He even went so far as to say “We will see who’s a real evangelical now.” I think he was confusing the word “evangelical” with “fundamentalist.” His statement is another sad example of tribalism within Christianity. Moore basically says “You’re either with us or against us.” The mission of taking care of orphans certainly seems secondary to Moore, when looking at the language he uses. Can a true evangelical Christian partner with a gay Christian to take care of orphans, even if they disagree on what the Bible has to say about homosexuality? Moore does not seem to think so, and also seems to think that if you do think you can…well, then you’re not really an evangelical. Common mission is a wonderful catalyst for dialogue. I think Moore encouraged a lot of Christians to partake in either today. I hope many do not withdraw their help from World Vision. The children they are sponsoring need them, and Christians who are for and against homosexuality really need to talk to each other, instead of yell at each other across the internet.

The other hot topic on the Christian internet today is both the Noah movie and the movie, God’s Not Dead. Apparently, there’s quite a bit of creative license taken in the Noah movie, which is to be expected, but some Christians are pissed about it. Rick Warren encouraged Christians not to see it. A personal friend of mine shared a pastor she is close to’s warnings about the movie. When I commented that I would save my judgement until I saw it, she commented “I’ll trust my pastor’s judgement.” That’s a loaded statement, of course. I want my pastors to make me think, not think for me. And it is concerning that several Christians will take their pastors’ (most of whom, have not seen the movie and are just retelling what they have heard) warnings just as seriously. The trouble is that there is a double standard afoot here. A few weeks ago, many of the same pastors who are now blasting the Noah movie for it’s biblical inaccuracies, were encouraging their congregations to buy out theaters to watch the movie Son of God, a movie that is also full of biblical inaccuracies. So what’s the difference? It seems like Son of God was made by, for, and marketed to Christians. Noah was made by an atheist, for a broad audience, and marketed to that same broad audience. I think Christians feel spurned by this, not realizing that the Son of God producers really just want them to spend money on their movie more than they want to reach people for Christ (which they may want too, but if they really was the main concern, why not give the movie away for free? Oh right, they already did that because it was shown on cable the year before as apart of the “Bible” miniseries. That was popular…so why not monetize it?) The thing is, the Noah movie has a big budget, a prominent director, and an award winning actor. More nonbelievers will see this movie than any of the other biblical or Christian movies out there. And guess what? They will then talk about the source material. I don’t know if the Noah movie will be any good or not. And I’m sure there will be parts of it that I’ll have problems with, but if Christians don’t see it, who will the nonbelievers talk about the real story about? Christians could miss out on a great opportunity if they skip this one and choose to see God’s Not Dead instead. Many Christians are saying they are doing this very thing. God’s Not Dead is the other Christian movie out right now. The previews looked like the typical cheesy Christian fare to me, but several people seemed intrigued. I have not seen it, and just like Noah, I will reserve judgment until I do. But, I did see a review from the A.V. Club (the serious/legit branch of satirical webzine the Onion) that claimed it was horrible even for Christian movies. This was after it came in at a surprising number 5 at the box office over the weekend and several Facebook friends were singing it’s praises. That provides another of my points. The only people who will really enjoy a movie like God’s Not Dead are already people who accept it’s premise. It’s another movie made by Christians, for Christians, and marketed to Christians. Serious movie critics and nonbelievers will only see a poorly acted, poorly written, glorified church drama that made it’s way to the big screen. Worse than that, as the reviewer in the A.V. Club noted, it reinforces the negative stereotypes that Christians fight today. i will probably see God’s Not Dead one day, but I will definitely see Noah before it. I will save my official reviews after I see both. 

Working on the Road to Grace March 23, 2014

I read once (I believe in Jon Acuff’s Quitter) that suicides happen more frequently on Sunday nights than any other night of the week because people literally would rather die than go back into work on Monday morning. This goes beyond not enjoying your job. Millions of people don’t like their jobs and don’t have to consider whether they want to live or continue to work at the same place. These dark actions and thoughts only come when the job has become damaging to your soul. It’s what happens when the place of work becomes a prison that you could walk out of at any time, but the only lock keeping you inside is your need to survive. 

And this is where the problem lives. Some of our jobs do not help us live as much as they help us survive, and when all you are doing is surviving…existing…, life starts to lose it’s appeal. One of my favorite television shows, The Walking Dead, is fundamentally about survival and the moral ramifications of surviving when all life is about is surviving. People are not the same when the whole purpose of each day is to try and get to the next one. They kill others without remorse, join forces with disreputable people,  and do whatever they have to do to ensure that they will see one more sunrise. Those that do not do these things, it is understood, have no other option but death. To survive, one must forsake their own humanity, because humanity is a death sentence. The underlying question on The Walking Dead is this: Is it better to lose your humanity to survive, or keep it and die? To the people in the real world, to those who have dark thoughts on Sunday nights because they have a job that steals their humanity, this is the same question they wrestle with. 

Financial guru Dave Ramsey is fond of saying something on the lines of “Do something you love for a living and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.” I believe this to be true (even though there will be bad days even if you are working your dream job), but it is not so easy to attain. What some people are really passionate about is not easily monetized. Others have passions that are but they lack the business acumen or people skills to transition it into a sustainable form of income. Then there are people like me. People who are called to vocational ministry have enough questions to answer to begin with (just read the blogs of people who scoff at what they call “professional Christians”). Should being a pastor even be a paid position? If it is, how much money is too much to pay them? What’s too little? How should they be held accountable financially? How are they supposed to tithe? All are valid questions that should be discussed in the Church. But, when one feels called to vocational ministry, these questions are secondary when one cannot find a job in vocational ministry. Since graduating with a Bachelor’s degree in Religion five years ago, I have had exactly two interviews with churches. Last year, I decided to start pursuing my Master’s Degree in Theology & Ministry from a prominent seminary because I felt like life had become stagnant and maybe furthering my education would appeal to more churches. As much as this may be true, it does not stall the daily soul-sucking grind of my 9 to 5 (7:30 to 5:30 to be accurate). I go to work miserable and come home miserable and tired. Perhaps, it would be beneficial to just get a different 9 to 5, but the problems I would leave would eventually follow me there. I would still be working to survive and not living. 

I don’t know the answer to this plight, other than stepping into my calling and doing the work that I believe I was made to do. I don’t know when this will happen. But, I do think waiting for the right job is akin to waiting for the right mate. We must work on being the right person before we can worry about finding the right one. This becomes even more difficult when the job we are working shortens our patience, frustrates our emotions, and tires our bodies. When it comes to this, I have found solace in the fact that nobody looks superhuman on the road to grace. We are all stumbling, bumbling fools that eventually collapse into the grace that has been pursuing us all along. As I falter along the path towards this grace, my hope is I will stagger into the place of employment that God has specifically appointed for me, where I can find the most fulfillment, bring help to the most people, and more than anything bring Him the most glory. So tonight, I will go to sleep, with tears in my eyes and a prayer on lips, and get up in the morning and go to work at the job I hate, believing in my heart that this job is just a speed bump on the road to grace. 

Left and Forsaken September 6, 2013

It’s been quite a past few weeks in my life. 

I am now in the early stages of recovering from major knee surgery. I also have taken on massive amounts of debt in order to pursue my dream/calling by enrolling as a graduate student at Fuller Theological Seminary. Whoa. 

I am both excited and overwhelmed. Thrilled and terrified. 

As if those events are not emotional enough, I’ve had a hard couple of weeks relationally. About two months ago, I became close and emotionally attached to someone. We had great, daily, day-long conversations. We would argue sometimes because we were different, but I cared for her and I think it’s safe to say that she cared for me. 

This week, she told me she thought it was best that we parted ways. The emotions were too heavy, I guess. 

The problem with that is that I have never been good with people. I usually don’t like them and they often feel the same about me. So, it’s hard to meet someone who I both like and am liked by, only to have them walk away because of the heaviness of emotions, even if it might be “unhealthy” to continue the relationship. 

This is compounded by some unpopular posts I’ve made in a online community I’m apart of. Originally, I was happy to be apart of that community because I felt loved and safe to share who I really am. The honeymoon period has worn off for me, I guess, because I rarely feel loved or safe there anymore. When you are a jerk, people care less about you being authentic and more about you not being such a jerk, it seems. I don’t take criticism or rebukes very well, unless it’s from people who have known me for a long time and proven that even my nastiest side won’t scare them away. When I am criticized by people who I haven’t known very long, or who I feel don’t know me very well, I lash out. I become cynical and say things with the intent to retaliate and cause pain as I have been caused pain. When I see other’s happy and loved I get jealous and angry and try to rain on people’s parades. Part of me says that I’m just speaking truth that they can’t see because they are wearing rose colored glasses (and I still think this is partly true), but when I see the pain I’ve caused, it’s too late to repair the damage. People flee from me like they flee from New Orleans during a hurricane. And I can’t blame them. Even when I’m offered forgiveness, it’s clear that the dynamics of the relationship have changed. Is there truly a way to get that back? Do I even want it back? Or is there a perverse part of me that would rather be lonely and hurting as long as it means that I am right?

It’s no secret that I’m awkward. Just look at the title of the blog. I’m starting to wonder if the cause of my lack of friends and successful relationships goes deeper than simple awkwardness though. 

I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do.

My only option is to cast my cares upon Him, for He cares about me. And he cares for you too. Let’s not forget that. He cares for us. He will never leave us or forsake us. Sometimes it feels too little. But, if we knew the reality of his love for us, we would be overwhelmed with the depths of his friendship…and the fact that he likes us as people. That’s enough for me. 

Surgery of the Soul August 22, 2013

“I volunteer for your sanctifying surgery. I know the Spirit’s purging me of everything that’s hurting me.” – Lecrae

Today I have knee surgery. Other than having my tonsils removed when I was a little boy, this will be the first time I’ve been put under. I’m more nervous about the recovery than the operation. I know I won’t feel anything in the operation but I will surely feel plenty in the recovery. 

I tore my ACL exactly two months ago when I came off some stairs the wrong way at work. It hurt really bad then and for about a week after it happened. Since then it’s been sore but mostly, I can live with it. It’s interesting that the process to fix what’s wrong with me is probably going to be more painful than any pain I’ve experienced from the actual problem. I guess that’s the way healing works. To be truly whole sometimes we have to endure some pain. 

Human beings are fundamentally broken. I don’t think anyone can argue that. To fix our brokenness Jesus was tortured and crucified. He experienced the pain that we needed to endure to bring us healing. By his wounds we are healed. 

That doesn’t mean we get off pain free, however. Sanctification can be a painful process. Coming face to face with our own depravity is never a joyful occasion. But, as the Lord continues our healing through the process of sanctification that often what has to happen. Our sin hurts us and hurts others, and when the Holy Spirit convicts us of that, he’s like the surgeon showing us the MRI results of a shredded ACL. It can be overwhelming. But, then as the Holy Spirit removes our heart of stone and replaces it with a heart of flesh, like the surgeon who will replace my ACL today, the healing begins. Then as we go and ask forgiveness from the ones we’ve hurt, it’s like physical therapy, the most painful part of the healing process but the most necessary if we want to be truly whole. 

Our entire lives in the spirit are like a surgery. There is pain, but there is also healing. And one day, it will be as if we are brand new. My prayer is that we not give in to the pain, but we press on to the healing.

Tired of Longing July 17, 2013

I’m tired.

I’ve been tired for a long time, I guess.

Though sometimes I feel like I have no good reason for being tired. I suffer from chronic laziness.

But, there’s only so many times you can take feeling like you’re moving forward only to be catapulted backwards.

I’m tired of girls being affectionate one day and then disappearing the next.

I’m tired of struggling to get an interview with a better job only to be told I’m not experienced, skilled, or just plain good enough. If I’m told anything at all, of course.

I’m tired of being told I’m argumentative when I’m only standing up for what I feel is right and truth.

I’m tired of knowing that sometimes I am the only one to blame for my low satisfaction with life.

I’ve recently met a group of friends that accept and encourage and support and love me like no group I’ve ever had. The only problem is that my interactions with them are entirely through screens.

For those familiar with the “5 Love Languages” I’m definitely a physical touch guy. This is not necessarily erotic touch. I appreciate a slap on the back from a guy almost as much as I do a caress from a woman (in different ways, of course, but they both make me feel good.)

This way of needing a close hug, squeeze of the hand, or even a playful punch in the arm makes it hard being away from people whom you love.

I long to feel the touch of Jesus. Not in a spiritual way, but in a physical way. I daydreamed earlier today about just walking around a lake with him. Our arms around each other’s shoulders, laughing and enjoying one another’s company. I need this. I ache for this. If not from Jesus, then from someone else who loves me strongly.

I want to end this post in some tidy, poetic, inspirational way.

But, I’m tired.

The Fragility of Friendship June 23, 2013

Earlier this week, I sent out a tweet that said, why do we push away those that like us, and chase after those that don’t? 

I’m not sure if that tweet is always true, but sometimes it feels that way in my life. I do know in most of my relationships, both romantic and platonic, it seems that the ones that really seem excited when I call or text are the same ones that I roll my eyes at when I see their names pop up on my iPhone. It also seems like the ones that I really want to talk to often reply with the one word replies that we all despise. It’s a paradox of pain.

Recently, a friend whom I adore posted a picture on Instagram of her new hairstyle. I commented about how much I loved it. A few minutes later, someone else commented on it about how good they thought it looked. My friend responded to their comment with a hearty “Thank you!!” but did not say anything to my comment. Is it wrong of me to be hurt by that? I feel like it’s petty for something like that to upset me, but I can’t deny that it does either.

At the same time, I wonder how many times I have ignored those that have reached out to me. Or given the “lol” or “k” replies to those that are just bored and lonely and want to talk to me. As an introvert, it is common to have a few close friends than many. But, I wonder how many more I could have if I would try to take some of the love, concern, and care I give to those who don’t reciprocate in similar fashions (at least not as often as I do), and give them to the people to sincerely like me instead.

Love is both choice and compulsion. Our hearts are geared to care about some people more than others. But, at the same time some relationships aren’t healthy and we must to choose to rein in our hearts. This does not mean we must cut out some people out of our lives completely (though it may), but we must at least protect ourselves from experiencing unnecessary pain due to our own emotions. Friendships are fragile. They must be taken care of. But, so are our own hearts. Sometimes, we must give both, our friendships and our hearts, to the Creator of both and let Him do the caring.